CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Tonight, President Barack Obama. Let’s play Hardball.

OBAMA:  Hello, Chris. Hey, you ever see someone about your ADHD problem?

MATTHEWS:  Too busy. Sir, recently I criticized you pretty harshly. You came on anyway. I’d like to kiss and make up.

[from off screen]

MICHELLE:  You keep your distance, buddy boy.  I’m watching.

MATTHEWS:  Yes’m. Sir, rumor is you cut the Asia trip short for clandestine meetings with the Supercommittee.

OBAMA:  Not true, Chris. I returned earlier, but for a more important reason than rescuing our economy: I wanted to save the NBA season, and in so doing show the world I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

MATTHEWS:  You’re involved in the negotiations?

OBAMA:  Hush-hush summit at Camp David. Reverend Jackson and Secretary of State Clinton were my lead mediators. Kobe Bryant and David Stern agreed to represent their constituents. (more…)

CHRIS WALLACE: Jon Stewart, thanks for appearing again on Fox News Sunday.

JON STEWART:  Wasn’t my idea, Chris.  Last time, I looked like Kwai Chang Caine being schooled by Master Po.  My ratings actually fell off the next week.  So the suits at Comedy Central Central told me to take another shot at you.

WALLACE:  So, you got your marching orders . . . to do what?

STEWART:  Leave you whimpering like Jim Cramer, my friend, make you look like a boob.  [from jacket pocket pulls out small beaker, removes cover, tosses contents into Wallace’s face]

WALLACE:  [reeling] Whoa, what the hell!

STEWART:  Who’s the joke on now, Chris?

WALLACE:  [wiping face] Are you crazy?

STEWART:  Lighten up, Chris.  You need a sense of humor if you want to be taken seriously.  Hey, it’s only water, man.  [pointing to label on beaker] See, water–  H2O.  Says here right on the . . . [reads]  “HCl—hydrochloric acid.”  Oops. Mislabeled.  My bad.  Note to self: use cream pie or glitter next time.

WALLACE:  But why?

STEWART:  [reasonably] Try to understand my position, Chris. A sizable chunk of The Daily Show’s core audience hates your guts; they were PO’d when I showed respect and treated you like an equal.  That’s not who I am.  I humiliate right-wingers in a non-partisan way.  I had to return to redeem myself.

WALLACE: Your core audience?

STEWART:  Yeah.  Fox has the Birchers, the neo facists, LaRouchers, and unborn rights freaks.  My core’s a mishmash of animal liberationists, anarchists, human extinctionists, Palinphobes, water cooler thirtysomethings, and fever swampers from The Daily Kos and Democratic Underground.

WALLACE:  I reject your . . . . (more…)

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Tonight, Democratic National Committee Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.  Welcome, Ma’m.  Let’s play hardball.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Do me a favor, Chris.  Call me Madame Chair, or Chairwoman, or even Chérie.  Not M’am, which I find demeaning.

MATTHEWS:  Ok, uh, Chérie. First up, a small thing: you used to be Wasserman dash Schultz.  Now you’re just plain Wasserman Schultz.  When did you lose your hyphen?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  I was sixteen, Chris, and Billy Collins and I were making out in his car at Lookout Point.  Well, things got out of hand, and . . . .

MATTHEWS:  Never mind.  You wanna make a coupla outrageous claims about Republicans?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Sure.  Wal-Mart and the Koch brothers plan to lay off 100,000 employees late next year to spike unemployment reports before the election.

MATTHEWS:  Anything else?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Rick Perry wants illegals arrested and sentenced to three years hard labor picking cotton for Monsanto.

MATTHEWS:  Muy loco.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Finally, Speaker Boehner’s proposing that African-Americans provide DNA evidence at the polls to prove they are who they say they are.

MATTHEWS:  Shameless.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Jesse Jackson told me last week he’s been hearing the voices of long-deceased African-Americans pleading for retroactive enfranchisement.  Oh, if only we still had the House. (more…)

Don’t Hurt Me

September 15, 2012

New York Times – President Obama has petitioned a Virginia Superior Court judge to issue a restraining order against Fox News contributor Brit Hume prior to tonight’s Presidential debate at James Madison University.

Obama stated in his complaint he fears for his campaign and is concerned Hume may “rough him up” in his role as moderator of the debate.  The President wants Hume enjoined from coming within 500 feet of him with a question which might appear harmless but could be used to bludgeon him.

Drop the Ballot; Step Away from the Voting Booth

November 6, 2012

Reuters – In a massive protest today against the almost certain election of Republican Mitch Daniels to the Presidency, Democrats across the country avoided the polls, casting the integrity of the results into doubt.

In Washington, Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) said it was heroic for 30 million Democrats to choose self-disenfranchisement rather than allow their votes to count for nothing.  An AP survey last weekend had the President down to Daniels by 20%, despite gross oversampling of Wisconsin academics.

Summat for Nothing

July 22, 2013

Boston Globe — Cambridge Police Officer James Crowley of “beer summit” fame was arrested outside his Natick, Massachusetts home today and charged with disorderly conduct after pleading with a mob chanting “racist pig” to calm down.

(more…)

JIM LEHRER:  Good evening.  In an interview on Chris Matthews’ Hardball last night, President Obama tried to quiet skeptics who believe the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan was a sham staged by the U. S. military.   The President also said he is not awed by the power at his command.  Here’s a clip:

OBAMA: I want to show you something, Chris.  [unwrapping a handkerchief] This is bin Laden’s right ear.  I wanted a finger but they were all gone by the time I requested one.   Look at this closeup of Osama from 1997.   Check the right ear.  OK, now examine the real thing here.  Compare the folds, crevices, and ridges.  Clearly identical, yes?  No two ears are alike, Chris.  The one I’m holding was attached to bin Laden’s head.  Case closed.

MATTHEWS: I’m convinced, Mr. President.  Hey, you gonna eat that?  Ah, just pulling your leg, sir.   Last question: you are the Commander-in-Chief of the mightiest military machine on earth.  Are you humbled by the power you possess?

OBAMA:  Humbled?  [snort] Hardly.  I’ve grown in office, Chris.  The bin Laden raid and Libya have actually eased my mind about the use of force.  I want you to meet someone, Chris, the man with the “nuclear football.”  [gestures to military attaché standing out of camera range] C’mon over here, Captain, Major, whatever.  Open up the briefcase . . . .  I’m giving you an order, soldier.   Now show Mr. Matthews which button I push to take out China.  The red one?  Put your finger on it, Chris.  Go ahead, touch it.  Press it and our world goes poof.  Gives you a little thrill, doesn’t it, Chris?  Makes you feel like a God?

LEHRER:  More of the President’s interview with Matthews later in the program.

JUDY WOODRUFF:  Also on the NewsHour tonight: (more…)

An Interview with President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama

May 1, 2011

MAX RESNIK:  Welcome President and Mrs. Obama.  Sir, I assume you agreed to appear on Shalom TV because polls show your support among Jews cratering?

OBAMA:  Correct, Max.  Since Election Night 2008, my approval rating in the Jewish community is down from 80% to 40%.  As I said to my aides, oi vey.

RESNIK:  Mr. President, short of declaring without reservation that you believe Israel had nothing to do with 9/11, how can you possibly turn those numbers around before November 2012?

OBAMA:  I want Jews to start paying closer attention, Max.  Are your viewers aware Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan recently called me “the first Jewish President”?  Or Joe Biden saying “I am a Zionist” on this very network in 2007?  How about yesterday, when I ruled out a freeze on Jewish construction on Manhattan’s Upper East Side?  And, and . . . .

MICHELLE:  Go ahead . . . tell him.

OBAMA:  Well, you heard it here first, Max:  I’ve changed my named to Barach [Baracchhk]  Obauma and converted to Judaism.

RESNIK:  Whoa.

MICHELLE: My idea, Max.  Now we can play both the race and anti-Semite cards.

RESNIK:  But . . . conversion rituals may take anywhere from six months to a year.  You live in a bubble, Mr. President.  When did you do this?

OBAUMA:  April 6.  I was in New York talking education at an event with Al Sharpton.  Only it wasn’t me.  It was Saturday Night Live’s Fred Armisen filling in for me. (more…)

Washington (AP) – In a stunning announcement this morning on The Today Show, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told host Matt Lauer she will leave the Administration and challenge Barack Obama for the 2012 Democratic Presidential nomination.

Transcript follows:

LAUER:  Thanks for coming on, Madame Secretary.  Let’s get right to it:  will you seek the Presidency next year?

CLINTON:  Yes, Matt.  Our country’s heading in the wrong direction way too fast.  We must slow down if we wish to delay our collapse by a couple of decades.  So I’m reporting for duty.

LAUER:  Opens you up to a disloyalty charge.

CLINTON:  Somebody has to speak up.  Obama’s poll numbers suggest we’re on track to lose both the White House and Senate, Matt.  Meanwhile, my numbers are in the stratosphere, mainly because people like you have generously ignored my disastrous tenure at State.

LAUER:  [blushing] Well, it’s what we do, Ma’m.

CLINTON:  Last week, I offered the President an option to avoid a primary battle.   He rejected it.

LAUER:  What option?

CLINTON:  Replace Biden on the ticket with me.  I’d rally the troops.  We’d win and, at the least, retain the Senate.  Then Obama does the mother of all end runs around the Constitution and names me CP—Co-President.  In January, 2012, we take the oath together and deliver dual inaugural addresses. (more…)

ANNOUNCER:  Live, from the Mess at the White House, the Executive Broadcasting System presents The EBS Nightly News with Jay Carney.

CARNEY:  Good evening.  On our broadcast tonight:

• Senator Graham calls for extradition of Koran-burning pastor to Pakistan.
• EPA mandates fuel nozzles reconfigured to fit only Chevy Volts.
• California Governor proposes “Debt Tax” on deadbeats’ estates.
• Wisconsin teachers’ paramilitary units seize Legislature.

Those stories and more later, but first, a conversation with Attorney General Eric Holder and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who comes to us on a satellite feed from his home in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Welcome, gentlemen.  Thanks for coming on.

HOLDER:  Pleasure, Bob.

SHEIKH:  May Allah grant you mercy in the end times.

CARNEY:  Um, Ok.  General, will the Sheikh’s military . . . .

HOLDER:  Trial’s off, Jay.  The President’s afraid it would have enraged people like Mustafa Walid, who sells goat meat in a Kandahar bazaar.

CARNEY:  Oh.  What’s Plan B?

HOLDER:  The President authorized me to take dramatic action on Gitmo to regain his credibility with Joy Behar and independents, Jay.  As we speak, SEIU hires are on their way to Gitmo to replace military personnel.  When they’ve assumed control, I’ll dispatch federal marshals to pick up prisoners for transport to an Illinois lock-up. (more…)

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Garrison Keillor Presents

A Prairie Home Companion Special Election Night Poetic Commentary

Reverend Jesse Jackson and New York Times Publisher Arthur “Pinch” Sulzberger

Invoke the Bard of New England

With the Frost There Comes a Thumpin’

First Reading

“Sobbing in the ‘hood on Election Evening”

(Apologies, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening”)

Recited by the Reverend Jesse Jackson

These exit polls, portending woe,
Don’t mean that I’ll be eating crow.
I warned him, made it crystal clear
The race was always his to blow.

His counselors must think I’m seer
Because I said he’d lose last year
When all he prized was Kobe steak
And flailing at that little sphere.

My urban base is stunned awake;
What will the new Man give—or take?
As is my wont, I’ll school the creep
And show the world he don’t know Jake. (more…)

JIM LEHRER:  Good evening.  At his regular briefing this afternoon, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney expressed confidence President Obama was closely monitoring yesterday’s invasion of Taiwan by the People’s Republic of China.

[Carney video clip]

Highly-placed administration sources tell me Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has been in frequent contact with President Obama’s personal aide since the crisis began. I’ll issue a statement soon in the President’s name urging both sides to seek a solution to their differences once hostilities cease.

JUDY WOODRUFF: Also on the NewsHour tonight:

Wisconsin protesters march on state capitol carrying exhumed body of labor icon Cesar Chavez

CIA is reportedly selling suitcase nukes in Afghan bazaars to lure Osama bin Laden out of hiding.

Joint Chiefs Chairman Mullen OKs burqas for Muslim women submariners.

Treasury Secretary Geithner cites rising gas prices as proof of booming economy.

RAY SUAREZ:  Up first, we interview Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, just returned from Asia, and National Intelligence Director James Clapper.  First question to you, Madame Secretary: the People’s Republic is clearly the aggressor in the Taiwan Strait.  What counsel did you give the President?

HILLARY CLINTON:  I’ll see him at tonight’s White House gala honoring America’s first black mountain man.  I will advise him to honor our commitment to Taiwan by ordering a naval blockade of the Port of Los Angeles.  That’ll hit the Chinese where it hurts, in the pocketbook.  Of course, he won’t agree. (more…)

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

Transcript: President Obama Press Conference

East Room

8: 03 p.m. EST

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good evening. I have a brief statement, and then I’ll take a question . . . uh, excuse me. Jay, what?

CARNEY: [from side of room] Sir, you agreed to take five questions.

OBAMA: Oh, right. Everyone, a follow-up counts as a separate question. Don’t screw your colleagues.

As I have said repeatedly since attending Basuki Elementary in Jakarta, America’s national debt is unsustainable. My budget confronts head-on what the scrawny fella from Indiana recently called the new “Red Menace.”

Like New Jersey’s Fat Man, I understand the realities. You heard it here: OMB’s first draft for FY 2012 came in at $8.7 trillion. I told them that was unacceptable. After weeks of chainsawing through the bloat, OMB Director Jacob Lew finally delivered the $3.73 trillion budget I just submitted to the House.

I see some heads shaking. Look, the final product does indeed represent a savings of almost $5 trillion off the initial proposal. Extrapolating from similar budget scenarios each cycle through FY 2016, and taking into account hyperinflation and debt servicing, we stand to chop about $60 trillion in spending over the next five years. In so doing, we’ll keep the deficit monster at bay a while longer. (more…)

I am waiting for Ezra Klein
to eat a copy of the Constitution
and tell us if it’s binding
and I am waiting
for 60 Minutes to wind down
and I am waiting
for a presidential debate moderator
to crack wise with Chris Christie
and I am waiting
for Old Media
to request end-of-life counseling
and I am really waiting
for the Associated Press
to screw up and forget to spin a story

I am waiting for Nova
to report a major extinction event
involving NPR and PBS
and I am waiting
for Charlie Gibson’s glasses
to fall off his nose
and I am waiting
for someone to interrupt Bill O’Reilly
and I am waiting for Saudi Arabia
to endow the “Al Jazeera Chair”
at Columbia University School of Journalism
and I am really waiting
for Katie Couric to connect the dots
on rising fuel costs

(more…)

**Link Fixed**

Washington Times – Off-the-record exchanges and thousands of confidential e-mails dating back almost four years reveal that high-profile journalists have been aiding and advising President Obama since he announced his candidacy in early 2007.

Provided by WikiLeaks to the Washington Times, the material was originally discovered by a cleaning lady at CNN.  Surfing on Wolf Blitzer’s computer during her 4:00 a.m. break, Emalina Ortiz inadvertently opened a window to “BO-WeServe”–a private forum for journalists supporting Obama’s campaign and, later, his administration’s agenda.

Shocked by what she read, Ortiz impulsively copied the archives to a flash drive and mailed it to WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange, a man she had heard Blitzer describe in his broadcasts as “a hero, someone who is not afraid to shine a light into the sewer to see what’s floating around down there.”

Spokesmen from the New York Times, the Washington Post, ABC, CBS, NBC, and CNN blasted Assange for exposing communications that linked Obama’s rise and governance to support from and tutelage by some of the biggest names in journalism.

In a brief phone interview, Times Managing Editor Bill Keller railed: “The cheeky sumbitch actually asked me if I wanted to break the story.  Said I could run it with a ‘Who watches the watchers?’ angle.  What the hell’s the matter with Assange?  He knows the rules:  we’re leaked to, not on.  Only the Times destroys reputations with impunity and immunity.  He crossed a line coming after us.”

(more…)

Live, from the Situation Room, the Executive Broadcasting System Presents The EBS Evening News with Robert Gibbs

GIBBS:  Good evening.  On our broadcast tonight:
When the bow breaks—Saudi King Abdullah issues obeisance dispensation to President Obama for upcoming audience.

Tell it like it is—defiant TSA sends message to critics, changes name to Tough S**t, Agitators.

Sharia, Baby—Islamic reprise of 60s rock classic hits No. 1 on Iranian charts.

And finally, movie takes: Representative Dennis Kucinich to star in Alfred E. Neuman biopic.

Those stories and more later, but first we talk live with the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Welcome, sir. Thanks for coming on.

(more…)

KATIE COURIC:  We’ve never been used this way before.  The White House called the other day and gave me a list of 2012 election night analysts acceptable to them.  I don’t like it.

BRIAN WILLIAMS:  Remember when it was collaborative?   Now, they don’t even trust us to spin anything correctly.   Zucker took away my Managing Editor title and assigned it to Chris Matthews.  And he reports to Gibbs.

DIANE SAWYER:  Wasn’t so long ago they rolled over in the morning and kissed us and said they still respected us.  Now, well.  I hate to say it, but the right is right: Obama’s an egocentric narcissist who doesn’t know he’s in over his head.

(more…)

[klaxon sounds]

NANCY PELOSI:  Red Alert!  Damn!  Get to your stations, people.  Moving to DEFCON 1—imminent loss of the House.  Steny—what’s happening?

HOYER:  [points to computer screen] Look here, Commander:  concession rumors, rising in the blogosphere.  We’re shooting them down as fast as we can, but some are getting through.

PELOSI:  Stay on it.   Commence firing at their launchers.  Anything else?

HOYER: A Fox News recon team continues probing our perimeter.

PELOSI: Probably O’Reilly’s unit. Keep him off me. Tim?

KAINE: Skelton [MO], Spratt [SC], and Dingell [MI] report taking direct hits from precision-targeted spots, sir.  They’re requesting additional air support.  Uh, Commander, we don’t have the resources to . . . .

PELOSI:   I know.  Triage Grayson [FL], Driehaus [OH], and Perriello [VA].

BILL CLINTON: Ah’d think twice about Grayson, Nan.  Feisty sucker, that one.  Give him a little more time.

PELOSI: [aside to Kaine] Who let Clinton in here?

HOYER:  Eliot Spitzer from CNN’s Parker Spitzer is on hold, sir.  Might be worth a few minutes of your time. (more…)

Sacramento (AP) – In the current edition of The Nation magazine, California Democratic Party chairman John Burton charges Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman and senate hopeful Carly Fiorina behaved badly during the Tehachapi wildfire emergency last summer which destroyed forty homes.

“Whitman and Fiorina had finished lunch after campaigning in nearby Bakersfield when they saw smoke and decided to go sightseeing in Whitman’s German-made EC135 Eurocopter,” Burton told Katrina vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation.  “Shortly after lifting off, Whitman radioed the Disaster Operations Center to demand that aerial water and fire retardant dumps cease while she and Fiorina toured the scene.”

One witness, an environmentalist who had chained himself to a Bigcone Douglas-fir to protest the fire, texted friends minutes before being engulfed that he had observed an EC135 hovering ten yards off the ground, deliberately using its rotors to ignite new outbreaks. (more…)

Lay, O Lord, a curse on press men, rude and churlish, sad, obsessed men
Who persist to query me on matters that they know I must ignore.
As I parry, neatly jinking, Tapper stares at me, unblinking;
No doubt he is thinking, thinking Robert Gibbs is short one oar.
“Jake the Malcontent,” I mumble, “never one to seek rapport.”
Of them all, him I abhor.

Yes, the fire’s now an ember from that long-ago November
When every media staff member bowed and scraped outside my door.
Confident, I held my pressers (Helen! Old as earth, God bless her),
Brushing off reporters–lessers, lessers who were such a bore,
Including Jake the Tapper, whom the gods named my bête noire.
From the start, we’ve been at war.

There! He rises, smarmy, sassy; I feel dizzy, bloated, gassy,
Sickened—stricken with the urge to swat this gadfly to the floor.
As I tamp down nauseation, purge my thoughts of his castration,
Jake the Tapper–this . . . crustacean–floats a challenge like a spore.
Yes, Jake Tapper the crustacean floats a challenge like a spore,
And it roots inside my core. (more…)

Chicago (AP) – Appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show yesterday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former president Bill Clinton spoke publicly for the first time about the 2008 primary campaign, her political ambitions, and their personal relationship.

Representatives for the First Couple insisted the joint appearance had absolutely nothing to do with President Obama’s sagging political fortunes and was just a “total coincidence.”

The show began with Bill and Hillary air-kissing and catching up since they were last together at daughter Chelsea’s wedding in July.

Winfrey began the interview by asking Mrs. Clinton to assess her run for the 2008 presidential nomination.  “I’m not one to second-guess, “Mrs. Clinton said,” but I wish we had played the race card early in the game.”

Winfrey: “But . . . .”

No, not me,” said Mrs. Clinton.  “Bill.  The moment Obama emerged, I should have insisted that our party have a national discussion on who was the more authentic black leader—an inexperienced senator with roots in Indonesia or my husband and mentor, the First Black President.”

Winfrey:  “So, you didn’t go for it because you assumed you had the African-American vote locked up?”

Mrs. Clinton:  “Of course.  Jesse Jackson had agreed to endorse me and become Secretary of Reparations in my Cabinet.  You, Oprah, promised your support if I pushed Congress to make Kenya our 51 state.”

Winfrey:  “Oh.  I forgot about that.” (more…)

[Cabinet Room, White House, January 3, 2011]

OBAMA:  All right, folks.  Let’s begin.  After your recess appointments to the Cabinet two weeks ago, I gave you all free rein while I was incommunicado playing golf in Ireland.  Tell me what you’ve accomplished.  We’ll start with . . . Defense.

DENNIS KUCINICH:  I’ve mothballed the fleet and grounded the Air Force, sir.  Uniformed services will be mustered out by next month.  Our enemies now understand we mean business when we say we want peace.

OBAMA:  Good.  I still need protection against a national uprising.  How’s recruitment going for my Civilian National Security Force?

KUCINICH:  The first units are scheduled to graduate from Nation of Islam Training Center on Parris Island in the spring, sir.

OBAMA:  Fine.  Oh, Dennis, a revenue idea: hold a carrier back and retrofit it as a ”cruise warship.”  Incorporate “DoD Vacations Unlimited” to tap the niche of travelers who want to tour world trouble spots like Somalia in comfort and safety.  Uh, State?

CINDY SHEEHAN:  With respect, sir, your plan to eliminate America’s nuclear arsenal was a pathetic, empty gesture.  Instead, Secretary Kucinich and I are promoting peace and prosperity through managed nuclear proliferation.  We’ve distributed our entire stock of doomsday weapons proportionally to every non-nuclear country on earth. (more…)