Announcer:  Live, from the Lincoln Bedroom, the Executive Broadcasting System presents the EBS Nightly News with Robert Gibbs.

ROBERT GIBBS:  Good evening.  On our broadcast tonight: New Osama tape — bin Laden vows to avenge Muslim pensioners hurt by BP disaster. Rumors flying — Rahm Emanuel out; new Chief of Staff to be named.  It’s Ludacris says a top administration official. Noises off – Vuvuzela ban at 2012 Republican National Convention labeled racist by MoveOn.org. And finally, the National Park Service announces plans to convert the National Mall into a par 3 Chief Executive course.  We’ll preview the layout. Those stories and more later.  But first, we talk live with the Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden.  Welcome, Mr. Biden.  It’s an effin’ pleasure to have you on.

Biden

BIDEN:  Thanks, Bob.  I’m always glad to [cell rings] . . . wait a sec [answers phone].  Hey, Tim.  Whoa.  No kidding.  Cavuto said that?  OK, I’ll clean out my 401k and buy gold.  Thanks for the tip.  No, of course I won’t mention this conversation to anyone. [hangs up]

GIBBS:  Uh, Mr. Biden, the President said he’d come on tonight, but reneged.  Do you know why?

BIDEN:  Two reasons.  He doesn’t trust you anymore, Bob.  Said you always seem to be hanging out with reporters, and you know what he thinks about the press.  Second, he’s flying down to the Gulf as we speak.  Claimed an angel appeared in a dream and told him to dive down to the leak and pinch the pipe closed between his finger and thumb. After that New Yorker cover, he really does think he walks on water.

walking on water

GIBBS:  Oh.  What’s the president’s mood been lately, sir?

BIDEN:  Well, the Boss is BPo’d, Bob.  The more they work on the leak, the worse it gets.  It’s a viscous circle.  The big O spent the last week sulking, chain smoking, and watching tapes of his campaign speeches.  The chickens have really come home to brood.

GIBBS:  So he’s sensitive to the criticism and ridicule of his policies?

BIDEN:  Nah, that doesn’t bother him.  He’s steamed ‘cause people say his golf swing’s like Charles Barkley’s.


GIBBS:  Can you shake him out of his torpor when he returns to Washington, sir?

BIDEN:  Gonna try tough love.  Tell him to haul his bony rear end back to the Oval Office and start actively deferrin’ decisions again.

GIBBS:  What will you advise him about Afghanistan and the General McChrystal controversy, sir?

BIDEN:  That it presents us with a perfect opportunity to sue for peace.  First the president fires the general; then he relieves Petraeus and names me Centcom Cinc.  Our forces stand down while I stall with a comprehensive review of our options in the region.  Meanwhile, the Boss proposes a summit with Mullah Omar.  Neutral ground.  Karachi, say.  They both have roots there.

GIBBS:  Best case agreement?

BIDEN:  We cease aid to Pakistan. Coalition’s out of Afghanistan immediately. When both countries have fallen to the Taliban, we’ll help them get back on their feet–infrastructure, hospitals, madrassas, etc.  No girls’schools, of course.

GIBBS: And in return?

BIDEN: U. N. inspectors will have access to the Taliban’s nuclear sites in Pakistan.  Non-negotiable. We are really taking a hard — [First Lady enters Lincoln Bedroom]

michelleobama

MICHELLE:  Oprah and Stedman want to settle in for the night.  You two finish up right now.  You hear me, Joe?